What Are You Afraid Of?

At this point in my life, which I’m calling a moment of clarity, I’m working on a few personal goals that I’ve set for myself and have been trying to accomplish for a LONG time.  There are a few blog pages that I frequently, mostly sites that offer suggestions and insight on personal development. One of them is ZenHabits. I read an excellent post that really hit home.

If you’re like me, then you too have many things that you’d like to accomplish in life but for some odd reason, you’re being held back. I’ve realized that I’ve been afraid. Not afraid of the actually process, but of what may happen after accomplishing the goal. “Fear of something bad happening in the future is one of the things that make us human”, states Leo Babauta. For example, take a look at your pet. I have a 9-month old cat who faces fear at the present time. Yesterday, we had a very bad thunderstorm and we had our patio door open to get the breeze of rain-air in our place. When the lightening hit which was accompanied by thunder, my little buddy flew into the other room and hid under our bed. It was hilarious!  But it is only humans that fear things that isn’t happening now.  Some might say that this fear stops us from doing something stupid, but I strongly believe that this fear stops us from being and achieving things that will make us happy and create a sense of enjoyment in life.

Leo Babauta recently asked his Twitter friends what fear was holding them back. Here’s a list of the responses he received:

* failure
* abandonment/rejection
* intimacy
* success
* being broke
* not being good enough

This is the part of his post that hit home for me because I fear them ALL. With now having 5 letters after my name (i only use 3 because to are obvious), I fear that I will not be good enough, which will lead to me being broke and not successful. I’ve experienced abandonment and rejection throughout my ENTIRE life due to my sexuality, weight, and academic achievements which I feel resulted in a lack of intimacy and affection. With all that being said, I’m afraid of being a failure.

Do you have this fear? What I’m learning is that having this fear is natural, but letting it stop you from going after your dreams is tragedy.  I’m not perfect, but who is? The key is knowing that you’re good enough to have anything your heart desires. Sure, it may be a tough for some to accomplish certain goals, but there isn’t anything in this world that isn’t impossible. Leo states:

When I was able to overcome this fear of not being good enough, this fear of failure and rejection, and put myself out there in the world, I succeeded. I found out that I was good enough. And I still have this same fear — I still worry that I’m not good enough, that I’ll fail and flop on my face in front of 100,000 people … but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. Even the most successful people — Barack Obama, Steve Jobs, Paul McCartney, J.K. Rowling, et al — they have this fear, even if they don’t show it. But they don’t let it hold them back.

So, how can we beat these fears of ours that is holding us back? There’s isn’t a step-by-step program, but here’s what was learned:

1. First, acknowledge your fear. This is a huge first step. If you do just this today, you’ve done something great. Many of us have these fears, but they are at the back of our mind, unnoticed, unacknowledged, as we try to ignore them and pretend they’re not there. But they are there. And they affect us, every day, all our lives. So acknowledge the fear.

2. Write it down. What’s your fear? Write it on a piece of paper. Writing it down not only acknowledges that you have it — bringing it out into the light — but it externalizes the fear. It takes the fear from the dark lurking places in the back of your mind, where it has power over you, out into the light of day, outside of you, where you have power over the fear. Take control over it by writing it down. It is now outside you. You can do something about it. Some like to crumple it up and stomp on it, but you can do whatever you like. Post it on your fridge as a reminder of your enemy.

3. Feel the fear. You’ve acknowledged it, but you’re still afraid of it. You’re reluctant to even have this fear, perhaps even embarrassed about it. Well, no more. Recognize that you’re not alone, that we ALL have these fears, that we all think we might not be good enough. Yes, even the amazing President Obama, the amazing Jessica Alba, the amazing Al Pacino. They have the same fears as you do. I sure do. Repeat after me: there’s nothing wrong with having this fear. Now allow yourself to feel it. Experience it fully. Bask in this fear. It isn’t as bad as you think. It’s a part of you, but it doesn’t control you.

4. Ask yourself: what’s the worst thing that can happen? Often it’s not as bad as we think. Do you fear failing in a new career? What would happen if you did? You’d get another job. You’d move on. You’d live. Do you fear being rejected by someone of the same sex? What would happen if you were? You’d lick your wounds, you’d find someone else who is more suited for you, you’d live. Do you fear being broke? What would happen if you were? You’d cut back on your expenses, perhaps ask family or friends to help you out for a little bit. You’d find a way to make money. You’d live. Do you fear another failed attempt at losing weight? What’s would happen if you did? You’d try gain using a different approach. You’d live and you’d learn.

5. Just do it. Feel the fear and do it anyway. To beat the fear, you have to just do it. What typically works is not thinking, just acting. Like when you want to jump off a waterfalls into the pool below: don’t think about it. Just jump! It’s an exhilarating feeling. I fear public speaking, but when I get up and just do it, I feel great. From Jade Craven on Twitter: “I fear everything. I’ve recently decided to ignore my fears and just go for it! So many opportunities have come as a result.”

6. Prepare yourself for battle. When you’re going to take on an adversary, you prepare yourself. You arm yourself, and have a battle plan, and train yourself. Do this in your battle against your fear: arm yourself, have a battle plan, train yourself. If you want to be a musician but you fear failure … practice, practice, practice, then come up with a plan to succeed, then get all the skills and info you need to implement the plan, then practice some more. Then go out and implement the plan! I learned the same from my education. When starting or running a business, you don’t simply jump out into you. You create a plan (business plan, marketing plan, strategic plan, etc) and you implement it!

7. Be in the moment. Fear of failure (and other similar fears) are fears of the future. We get caught up in worrying about what might happen. Instead, banish all thoughts of the future. Banish even thoughts of past mistakes and failures. Now focus on right now. Do something right now to beat your fears, to pursue your dreams, and forget about what might happen. Just do it, now, in the moment. When you find yourself thinking about the past or future, bring yourself back in the moment and focus on what you’re doing right at this moment. I have a major problem with this. I worry too much about what I’m going to do in the future, whether it is an hour from now or days from now, rather than focusing on the moment. I noticed that when I do get to that hour I was thinking about it, I start thinking about the next hour. I realized that I’m not getting the full enjoyment of being in the present and its just a continuous cycle. Some of you may know, and some may not, but I HIGHLY recommend you to check out Eckart Tolle’s The Power of Now.

8. Small steps. Conquering fear and pursuing a life goal can be overwhelming, intimidating. So start small. Just take one little baby step. Something you know you can do. Something you’re sure to succeed at. Then feel good about that and take another small baby step. Keep doing this, and soon you’ll have conquered a mountain.

9. Celebrate every success! Every single thing you do right, celebrate! Even the smallest little thing. And use this feeling of success, of victory, to propel yourself forward and take the next step. Bill Gates describes a “spiral of success” that he used to build Microsoft up from its early success of MS-DOS, to its success with Windows and Word and Excel and Internet Explorer and all that. Use this idea of a spiral of success in your life — build upon each success, use it as a stepping stone to the next victory.

I hope this post will help you all in achieving your goals and living your dreams. I know, being a member of the LGBT community isn’t easy and some of us did not choose our lifestyles or our physical composition. The goal is to learn how to use the cards we’ve been dealt and be the best person we can be.

What fears are you working on overcoming?

What’s A Real Wedding?

Article by LeadTheWayOut.com contributor, Raechel J.

Recently we’ve seen changes to the same-sex marriage legislation in several states, but there are still many states and countries that don’t have legal recognition of same-sex marriage. I live in a country without this legal recognition (Australia).

Ask any LGBT person getting married or having a commitment ceremony… their marriage/commitment means the same thing to them, whether it’s legal or not.

My upcoming commitment ceremony is being treated differently from a family member’s upcoming wedding, just a couple of months after ours. For me, this gives me an opportunity to directly compare the two – people who aren’t planning on traveling for our ceremony have made plans to travel for the “real” wedding. It’s not that any of these people are anti-gay. They’re very supportive of our relationship, and know it’s the ‘real deal’. They just can’t get their heads around us forking out money for a wedding day when really… it’ll mean nothing.

That’s when it becomes hurtful.

How many weddings have I attended over the years that have been MUCH more than the ceremony? If weddings were simply about the legal and/or religious implications, surely we’d have ceremonies in courthouses or Chapels and go straight home. There would be no need for glamorous receptions, pretty dresses, expensive cakes and gifts. All of that is about symbolism and celebration for the couple creating a union.

If I could, I would legally marry my fiancee, but I can’t. So why take away a special day that the two of us can share? It’s the closest we’ll get to having what heterosexuals have – at least in the near future – so why try to pretend it doesn’t mean the same thing? I am pretty certain, or at least, hopeful, that on the day, guests will feel the energy, the love and the emotion and will realize that there is no difference.

Why should a union between two women, or two men be treated as anything different than a union between a man and a woman? We’re not asking these people to love someone of the same gender. Our homosexuality is not contagious. We just want people to recognize that it means the same to the LGBT community as it does to the heterosexual community.

As legislation changes around the globe, hopefully people’s reactions will change. It will take time but providing we continue to LeadTheWayOut, I am sure people will realize that we’re just normal people, continuing our normal lives.

Now What…

Why is it that when you finish school, whether it is high school or college, people always ask you “what’s next? or “Now what?”.  That really gets under my skin. Who says that a person has a plan or a map of how their life is going to play out after school? We should merely be satisfied with waking up the next morning because tomorrow is not promised to anyone. So, when someone asks me “What’s next?” I’ve been saying “I’m seeing where the wind blows me next”. Back in the day, people would get an education with hopes that it would lead to a sustainable and reliable career. With today’s economy, that is simply not the case. The job market is totally different now because educated people are without jobs as well. Not only do you need an education now, but you need experience, and pure luck that your resume will be pulled out of the pile.  For me, I continued my education for personal development. Right now, we all need personal development to withstand the current economic downturn which is affecting our professional and personal lives. We’re seeing more families falling victims to murder-suicide because the breadwinner is no longer a breadwinner. We’re seeing many employees going “postal” on their former employers, and a lot more crime as a result of trying to make ends meet. So, personal development is all we can really emphasize right now so that we can weather the storm because it will pass and only the strong will survive.

So what’s next for me after acquiring a MBA….adopting a healthier lifestyle which will allow me to live life to the fullest in any situation I’m in!

A Heartfelt Observation

Who do you know and how much butt have you kissed to get to where you’re at now?  How does that make you feel knowing that you didn’t reach your current position or destination because of your knowledge and passion for the cause, but rather your mere lack of self-respect and dignity to remain true, honest, and consistent?  Maybe this is why I haven’t reached my destination, yet, because I refuse to succumb to office/community politics; and I refuse to immediately become inconsistent in my mission or purpose for financial and status gains.

I refuse to argue or complain about a transgendered person (M2F) using the women’s restroom in a public building for the LGBT community, then turnaround and say that I plan to fight for equality and to end racism, injustice, and segregation within the LGBT community. In my quest to spread the word and promote LeadTheWayOut.com, I’ve met a lot of people who were a mere illusion. Claiming that they are a voice and they serve a societal purpose.  What have you done for the community?  Okay, you have a non-profit organization but what have you done…really?  Where are the people you’ve helped?  Where are their testimonies?  Where are the success stories?  Why would I want to be a part of your organization when my goals are to make a tangible and intangible change to the LGBT community as a whole and individually?

See, LeadTheWayOut.com is not a job for me, this is not something I created for fun, nor is it something I created so that I can gain friends and establish a clique while making a few extra bucks on the side. If this is what you think and if this is something you and your organization is after, then I do not want to be involved in your endeavors.  I created LeadTheWayOut.com because I feel that there is a void in the LGBT community.  And recently, that void has been made extremely prominent with a newspaper article I read a few months ago.

We have too many organizations claiming to be making a difference when there are still closeted gay teens suffering with their sexual orientation’s perception amongst society, family, and their peers.  We have too many nightclubs with nightly themes, fake imposters posing as celebrity MC’s, and these shows where you can pretend that you’re a celebrity (or stripper) lipsyncing for about 3 minutes.  Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with having entertainment, but what happened to originality? Is this what our world has come to?

I’d rather stand alone for a positive cause that is recognized not only by those within the LGBT community, but the straight community as well that will benefit others, than to stand with a group of people who are looking for personal gains.

Someone has to LeadTheWayOut.

Why You Shouldn’t Judge A Book By Its Cover

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