Long Distance Lesbian Survival

Article by LeadTheWayOut.com contributor, Glennisha Morgan

There is a good number of lesbians who complain that there isn’t a place for them where they reside. There may be a few clubs or hangout spots but, the visibility of lesbians is almost non-existent (unless you live in Atlanta, San Francisco, Los Angeles, or certain spots in New York like “The Village”). So this is probably the reason why a number of lesbians resort to the internet to find romance. I don’t think some of us purposely look outside of our area codes but, sometimes it just ends up that way.

You begin to chat it up with a lady that’s “far away” and then one thing leads to another. You go from checking your Downelink, Myspace, and/or Facebook account several times a day just to see if she’s replied yet, to then checking your phone and your text message inbox. The next thing you know you’re either in an airport headed to see “her” or you’re in an airport waiting for “her” to arrive.

Unless you’re Helena from The L Word, I highly doubt that you can afford to hop on a plane anytime you want to see “her”. So in the mean time in between time what can you do to keep those sparks flying until the next visit?

• Video Chatting: With programs like Skype or a basic IM program like Yahoo, AIM, or MSN Messenger you can video chat. Sure, there’s nothing like being in person and being able to touch her and smell her scent; but, you can at least see her face while talking.

• Letter Writing: With so much technology available people hardly ever write letters anymore; but, there is nothing like receiving an unexpected love letter. Then imagine “caking” on the phone later that night to talk about what was written.

• Game Playing: When bored a lot us resort to playing games online. So why not play online games with her? To spice it up make a sexy bet where the loser has to do something during the next visit.

• Surprising: Because in an LDR you can’t just show up at her doorstep with a gift or flowers. You can order something online that you think she’ll like and have it sent to her. Imagine having a rough day and then receiving an unexpected package from her.

These are just a few things that you can do to make it feel like she’s not so far away.

Best Friends vs. Girlfriends

Written by: RJ

Can a lesbian have a partner and a best friend? I’m not talking about the partner and best friend being the same person. I’m talking about a real best friend that you go to movies with, sit and drink coffee with, talk about your love life and gossip into the evening on phone calls.

I haven’t really had close female friends over the years, and had a strong preference for male friends. Then out of the blue, my best friend came into my life. We were both single, inseparable, and talked about anything and everything. She was straight. I was coming out. But there was never fear on her behalf that I’d hit on her, and I really respected her for that.

When I met my girlfriend, my best friend felt nervous she was being replaced, but she was still supportive. We did plenty of stuff one-on-one, and she also socialized with both me and my girlfriend on a regular basis. So, of course I was disappointed when she recently moved overseas, even though I was excited for her.

This got me thinking…what is the role of friendship when you have a partner? Someone you talk to at any hour of the night, or someone you see once a week? Can I go out and “find” a new best friend? Does it even happen that way? I have to admit that I honestly don’t know the answer to this.

When I was single and living away from my family, my friends became my family. But now I have “family” in my girlfriend. We’re planning our commitment ceremony, we live together and we’re planning to spend the rest of our lives together. But of course, it’s nice to have friends to go to chick flicks with, gossip over a coffee or even go shopping when buying a gift for the partner. Or do we end up shopping alone? I think that people need friends, regardless of whether their partner is male, female or gender-queer. But I find that when you’re in an established relationship, and you want a new friend, it’s harder. Having a female partner, it becomes harder again.

Being a lesbian doesn’t mean we can’t have a female best friend. However, I find that many straight girls find having a close lesbian friend a little confronting – this is possibly why so many gay women seem to have gay friends, but then that can get complicated with jealousy issues anyway.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have the same type of best friend like I had in the past…two inseparable women. My girlfriend and I have fantastic friends that we hang out with together. Board game nights and dinner parties certainly form big parts of our social lives and maybe THAT’S the role friends play when you’re in a serious relationship. Supportive, entertaining and social, but not the kind of person who demands attention all the time.

The evolution of relationships is probably such that there is less room for that best friend as your partner becomes a best friend… Any thoughts on this?

INTRODUCING…MS. JOHNSON

Judith says she began writing her first novel, Interminable Longing, as an attempt to explain herself to one person, continued writing it to figure out herself, and finished it to share what she’d learned with other people. “I used to repeat to myself ‘let me be an instrument of Thy Will; let me not fall down in the trenches; please let me finish this book!” she says of her five-year effort to write the novel.
She hopes it will bring strength and enlightenment to other women and families who are struggling to accept that either they or someone they love is gay.

“I came of age during a time both of upheaval and when being gay was not as accepted as it is today,” she says.After fighting her sexual preference for years and even staying in a marriage for almost twenty years, as she approached fifty, Judith decided it was, “now or never: to thine own self be true.”

Her novel, Interminable Longing, is the story of a Baby-Boomer who falls in love with her tennis partner, has a dream that releases her demons, and then sets off on a personal journey to discover, ‘who she really is; who she is meant to be.’

“I really hope that this book empowers other women and families to accept one another as they truly are. I hope it can save others the many years that I spent hiding my true feelings, especially from myself!” she says. She wants the novel to be both entertaining and enlightening. “Interminable Longing is my contribution to ‘The Cause,’ and if just a few people enjoy it and discover their own true happiness after reading it, then it will have been worthwhile to me,” she says. “The days of living alone as a spinster are over. Lesbians should come out of the closet. None of us need to be alone anymore. Once we accept ourselves, then it becomes easier for others to accept us as we are!”

Judith is now “out” to her family and friends, has a girlfriend, and lives happily in New Smyrna Beach, Florida. She has also written a collection of short stories, one of which was published by Alyson Books in January 2008.

You can order a copy of the novel at www.InterminableLonging.com
And visit her at www.MySpace.com/chicklitent

Gay Spending

Written by: RJ

Recently I heard a gay man speaking about advertising targeting gay men. After the seminar, I walked up to him, and congratulated him on his research. I also asked him why he wasn’t interested in researching gay women.

“Gay men generally have a much higher income. You have two men working full time, earning the salaries of men. Women tend to earn slightly less, so two women together means that as a couple, they generally earn less than the male couples. Also, a lot of women come out after marriage, and have children. Few men tend to have children in gay relationships.” His points were valid, but I also know that lesbians prefer to support organizations that support the LGBT community. In fact, about 40% of those in the LGBT community would prefer to support organizations advertising in LGBT media. Places where they feel comfortable and are non-judgemental.

So I went off to do a bit of research of my own…

One thing I discovered is that all the media research (you know “what TV programs do you watch?”) doesn’t ask about sexuality. So advertisers have no real idea which television shows attract a large gay audience (well, other than The L Word and Queer as Folk!). I’ve heard about advertisements featuring gay people in them being banned from our televisions.

The guy at the seminar WAS correct. Gay men DO earn more than lesbians, but lesbians in general, still earn more than the average person. Census data in the US indicates that the median annual household income in the US for 2006 was $46,326, but for single gay men it was $62,000 ($130 000 for couples) and for single lesbians, it was $52,000 (or $96 000 for couples).

Nevertheless, Heinz in the UK had the advertisement pulled when two men kissed in a humorous exchange and Ikea had a consumer boycott recently for the advertisement seen in the picture above. But… we love advertising targeted at the LGBT community, and encourage more organizations to LeadTheWayOut!

To Be, Or Not To Be…Out At Work

Written by: RJ

For the professional lesbian, there is often the question of whether to come out at work or not. For many, it depends on the size of the town they live in (for me, living in a smaller town means I am more likely to be spotted with my partner), the industry they work in (conservative law firm vs. a more modern artsy job might have an influence) and how close they are to their co-workers.

I’ve told all my co-workers that I’m gay, and many of them have even met my partner. I chose to stay closeted until I was in a relationship that looked like it would be serious. The first time my girlfriend kissed me in public, I decided “I have to tell my co-workers”. I would rather be upfront than to have rumors spreading around the office. The very next day, I outed myself at a work party. Everyone was so supportive, and of course… I got lots of curious questions.

Though, it doesn’t end there. For the lesbian who has outed herself, there may be other issues to consider. What about telling clients, or the community you work in? I don’t mean a casual business associate, but

someone you work with on a regular basis. Someone with whom you have conversations that don’t simply revolve around pricing or timelines. I’m quite a chatty person, so I become quite “friendly” with business partners. I’m not overly private, and so we talk about our weekends and so on. Sometimes I feel that when our families are discussed, and business people assume my partner is male, I’m deceiving my girlfriend. She says she understands, but why should it be this way?

In my social circles, I’m out to everyone – I don’t care what people think. I’ve emailed a couple of my old friends about it, and not gotten a reply, but I certainly don’t regret telling them. In the business community, however, it’s a different matter entirely.

I have written two books which are read by my business community. My latest one is at the publisher as we “speak”.

“I want to dedicate the book to you, and my sisters,” I said to my girlfriend, who nodded. “Do I say the love of my life, and just use your initials, or do I call you my best friend?” She wondered if it mattered at all – I could just use her name. A simple solution to a complex issue, perhaps.

I thought my sexuality at work would all be sorted once I told my boss and a few close colleagues, but now I realized that I’ll be outing myself on a regular basis… and sometimes, choosing not to out myself.

How have you dealt with these issues in the workplace?

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